I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
