I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I deserve this hangover.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
