I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
