I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
