I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
