can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
