I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
