There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
