I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
