Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
the raccoons are back...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
