So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
