Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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