So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize