11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
