I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
