I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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