he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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