Screwed.edu
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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