I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
