I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
