dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
