Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
