One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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