Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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