How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
