i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
