tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
