if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
