Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
