Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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