I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
