I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
