If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
