he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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