Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
