Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
