Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
