im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
