When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
