you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
