i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
