Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
