it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The uberlube is also flammable
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities