watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
