today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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