Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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