There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So squirting runs in the family.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
