i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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