true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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