false alarm. still invincible.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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