i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
