she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
50% drunk capacity currently
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
