you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
