You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize