I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
